Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
