When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
