I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
