Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
