i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
