I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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