good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
