God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
