I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Randomize
