Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
