Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
