smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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