What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
this hospital has no fireball
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
