my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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