I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Randomize
