You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
