how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
