I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
