meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Randomize
