I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
