i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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