I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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