one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I wish there were birth control emojis
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
