ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
