he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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