Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
