Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
