you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
