my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
