Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
