I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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