I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
