he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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