Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
