haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
