OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
