At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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