Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
