So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
