if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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