wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
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