What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
