I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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