i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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