its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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