you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
