Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
