if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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