Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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