the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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